Monday, March 24, 2008

The Most Disturbing TV Commercial Ever

I saw the most disturbing TV commercial this morning. Keep in mind I didn’t have sound on when I saw it so I wasn’t sure what was happening until the last seconds were showing.

It was a commercial for Charmin Bathroom Tissue where the 3 Bears theme was used. The Baby Bear came from behind a tree and had white things all over his butt. Mama Bear tried various ways to get the white things off his butt, including wiping with a towel and even using a vacuum. Nothing worked. Then they showed Baby Bear coming from behind the tree after using Charmin. (This is when the light bulb in my head went off.) He shook his butt showing no white things were stuck.

I realized then that this commercial was implying that we have toilet paper bits stuck on our butts all the time. Not just dingle berries, but used, sticky, gross toilet paper bits. Worse yet it implied that people were inspecting each others butts and (maybe) even removing those bits of used toilet paper.

Who do you know that has someone inspect their ass for left behind toilet paper? I don’t know anyone.

Then they showed a test where “another leading brand” and Charmin were wetted and drug along something and the other brand left bits behind. Typical BS thing you see in commercials. Charmin left no bits behind. I’m sold!

The coup de grace was the ending. Papa Bear came from behind the tree, complete with a newspaper under his arm, and shook his butt at Mama Bear and Baby Bear to show them he had no left over bits of used toilet paper stuck on his ass. That to me means Mama Bear must have been helping him out with the same problem.

I’m sorry. Maybe I’m over thinking this but no way is there anyone checking out someone else’s ass crack for toilet paper residue. Who would even consider doing that? What would make the Charmin people decide to put something like that in a commercial? Plus, I can’t imagine that being a great selling idea for poop paper. If a person has a problem with a dirty butt after going to the can, it’s probably not a toilet paper issue.

Maybe the ad people are truly out of good ideas.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Shopping With Lisa

YB: Hey, look over there.
L: Yes, Victoria’s Secret. I saw it.
YB: Well....???
L: I know, I model & you buy..... I remember.
YB: So? Finally going to give in?
L: No. Trust me, you don’t want me to model that stuff for you.
YB: Oh please. Every guy around would love for you to model for them. You know that.
L: No I don’t. Besides, we’re friends.
YB: Yes, but not forever.
L: What does that mean?
YB: Seriously? We’ve talked about this.
L: About us being a couple? Yeah, I remember. Probably will happen someday.
YB: Is that bad? lol
L: Nope. But it might be weird after all this time.
YB: Oh well, you know the truth Lisa. Someday we’ll just give up trying to find “the right one for us” and accept that we are the only people who can put up with us for long periods of time.
L: Yes, we are like mirrors of each other. It’s weird.
YB: You know it’s true.
L: I know but it’s still weird.
YB: So we’ll never stop wasting our time then?
L: Probably not. It’s our way.
YB: Yes, you are right. But still I think when we are about 85.....
L: 85?
YB: Yeah, we’ll be 85 and everyone we know will be dead.....
L: Nice.....
YB: ......then we’ll finally get together and be a couple.
L: Why so old?
YB: Because we never do things the easy way.
L: True. Well you better start working out now.
YB: Working out?
L: Yes. Even when I’m 85 I will be wanting good sex. You need to be ready.....
YB: Oh boy.....
L: .....when I am ready. You know I’m demanding.
YB: So I better start stocking up on Viagra?
L: No, no drugs. You better be ready because you want me.
YB: Hmmm..... at 85 that could be hard.....
L: It better be.
YB: LOL, you know what I mean. Hard to be ready on demand.
L: Yes, but at 85 I’ll still be me, ready when I’m ready.
YB: Yeah, probably. Will you wear Victoria’s Secret when you are 85?
L: Why would you want me to wear Victoria’s Secret then?
YB: Because some day I will get you to model for me. Even if it doesn’t happen until age 85 I’ll feel like I accomplished something.
L: OK, I get that. At 85 I will model for you.
YB: Good, then I promise you I will be hot and ready for you when you do.
L: How can you promise that?
YB: After 55 years waiting for it? Please!
L: LOL Good answer. But I will want it more than just the few times I wear Victoria’s Secret.
YB: Yes, that’s where Viagra comes in.
L: Maybe I will have to allow it sometimes.
YB: Yeah? Why the sudden change of heart?
L: I want the full treatment. You better be as good as I think you should be.
YB: Hmmm...... what the heck does that mean?
L: You are no secret to me. Remember some of the girls you were with are my friends.
YB: .....aanndd....
L: ...aanndd we all talk. Believe me, that is the truth about women.
YB: So you know my secrets then?
L: All of them.
YB: Not all.
L: All.
YB: Oh....
L: So you better work out and have Viagra. I have expectations.
YB: Oh.... just what have you and ‘the girls’ been talking about?
L: Everything.
YB: Everything?
L: Everything.
YB: Oh.... hmmm.....
L: What?
YB: Maybe we need to go to Victoria’s Secret now.
L: I told you not today.
YB: But think of it as an investment in your future.
L: Huh?
YB: I need more practice to keep up with your expectations. Model for me so I am inspired to go ‘practice’.
L: Ha ha. No.....
YB: Why not?
L: We’re not old enough. Talk to me when we are 85.
YB: *sigh

Friday, March 14, 2008

Todays Fabulous Menu Item

OK, here’s something to try. I just put Kosher Dill flavored potato chips on my Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. It is pretty darn good.

Before you are all “Well that has to suck!” try it. Trust me; I am a semi-professional connoisseur of fine food.

Have I ever led you astray?

Friday, March 07, 2008

I Usually Don't Like These Touching Stories But.....

Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant t seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of t he creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

LOL Dumb ass.