It was 4th grade Math class. I remember it vividly still to this day. I'll never forget it. I was sitting in the back of the class, next to last in the row. My friend Danny to one side, Greg to the other. We had perfected the art of putting things on the points of our pencils and sort of snapping them to shoot whatever was on there rapidly in whatever direction we wanted. It was genius really. Balled up paper, just the right size and consistency, and you could pop anyone in the room on the head. We put pieces of our lunch on there and shot it anywhere we wanted. No place in the room was out of range. We were experts.
The best stuff was old, well chewed gum. It was deadly accurate and got the best "Ewww!" reactions from people. You chewed it, rolled it in your fingers until it was slightly dry and stuck it onto the pencil point juuuust enough to allow for good contact but a good release too. I never liked chewing gum before we learned the art of shooting it at people off our pencil points.
This particular morning I was into it. I had plucked my 3rd noggin with uncanny accuracy and I was feeling like I could hit anything. So I decided to take out my old piece of gum and shoot it into the trashcan. The one sitting beside the Teacher's desk. The desk the Teacher was still sitting at, grading papers.
Without giving it a thought, I took the gum out of my mouth, balled it up, placed it on top of the pencil, pulled it back and let it fly. It flew straight and true, just like always. Like I had done a hundred times before. I had no doubt it would end up in the trashcan.
But something happened that morning. Maybe a slight crosswind mysteriously blew through the room. Maybe gravity shifted for a second. Maybe there was a sunspot that misaligned the electron fields just a bit. I dunno. But for whatever reason, that gum started straight for the trashcan but about halfway there it began a slow left curve movement straight at you know who. Mr. Weir, my Teacher. Right for him.
During that flight I saw for the first time that maybe I wasn't a fool-proof shot after all. Maybe I could err in my judgment. I remember thinking that it couldn't possibly hit him. It had to fly over his shoulder where he would most likely never notice it. Yeah, that would happen. During that gum's flight I remember thinking that "maybe I should have waited until he left the desk". Yeah, all those thoughts flew through my brain just before that gum hit him. Hit him hard right in the shirt pocket. Right over his heart. If I had shot an arrow, it would have done him in.
Now, Mr. Weir wasn't a small man. Actually I think he went to college on a Football scholarship. He looked to me like a pro-wrestler. He was scary big. Once that gum hit him he stopped writing and slowly looked up from his papers. His narrowed beady eyes slowly scanned the room looking to see who the guilty party was that had just assaulted him in such an evil manner. Those eyes settled right on me.
I know what he saw. When the gum hit him I just froze in place. I still had the pencil at post-firing position. My mouth was hanging wide open. My eyes were as huge as saucers. I knew what he saw because suddenly I was terrified for my life. I had just assaulted a Teacher with a nasty wad of ABC gum. I was dead. It showed on my face very easily.
He looked at me, slowly looked down at the gum now stuck to whatever paper he had been looking over, then slowly looked back up at me. With his eyes never once leaving mine he said in a low, growly, menacing voice, "I want whoever is responsible for this to come up here and put it where it is supposed to go." The room was deadly silent. "Now!" he said in a slightly louder voice.
I somehow managed to get up on my wobbly legs and trudge the 150 miles to his desk. As I got closer the fire in his eyes glowed even brighter. He never even blinked once as I watched him try to stare holes through my head. I got to his desk and slowly reached out to take the gum from the desk. As I reached out he grabbed my wrist, still staring in my eyes (without ever blinking) and said, "That's strike one for you mister. You are now being watched. I won't forget this incident." His eyes narrowed even more when he said "incident". It made me flinch. Then he let me go.
I unstuck the gum from the paper, threw it in the can and slowly made my way back to my seat. I could feel him still staring at me the whole time. I sat in silence as the snickering around the room began. When I glanced over at my friend Danny he had his head down on his arms and I could see he was laughing very hard. I looked to the left at Greg and he was doing the same. I just sat there numb, feeling like I would wet my pants.
It took a few days before I could smile about it. I did eventually. Later in the year even Mr. Weir could smile about it. But for quite a few days I steered clear of him. I saw him watching me everywhere in the school. At recess, in the halls, at lunch. I saw him standing and pointing at me with my homeroom teacher. I knew he really was watching me.
I did all my math homework for weeks afterward. I worked hard (and silent) in his class after that. It was a scary time in my young life. Having assaulted a Teacher.
One would think I would have learned my lesson. But there are other similar stories to tell.....
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