I'm A Bastard

I've come to the conclusion that I am really a bastard child. I know I'm not really but what I mean by that is that although I do know who my parents are, neither of them taught me anything other than what not to do or what not to be. So in essence, I grew up all by myself.

I came to this conclusion recently after having a log conversation with Nicci about my mother. Nicci has done everything possible to be friendly and nice with the woman and recently for no real reason she has started attacking her. My mom is one of those people who stirs up shit constantly. If things are going well, she can't stand it. So now shes inventiing things to be annoyed at Nicci for that don't really exist. The problem there is that Nicci has less patience than I do with stuff like that. In her words, "To hell with her then. I've done what I could do."

The basic conclusion to our recent conversation was that I honestly won't feel anything when she finally kicks off. I've said it before and after going through all the ifs/ands/buts of it I realize that I'd prefer she kicks it soon. I don't want to be bothered later. Plus, if she does go soon then I get 3 paid days off work. Nothing like free days off work to help you appreciate someone. At least she has that going for her. :)

I felt nothing when my dad died. Only happy that they let me out of school for a few days without getting into trouble. My mom will give the same benefit. Not that I'm wishing it on her. Just that I won't care a bit when it happens.

It's kinda been a strange ride growing up and then dealing with the aftermath, getting to where I am. My father had serious problems with drinking. He died in a fire when I was in 10th grade. I didn't really know him anyway since he was not around after I was maybe 8-9 years old. I do remember that when he was sober he was a cool guy. He was a talented artist and a kid at heart. I do remember all that.

My mother, well, shes a freak. Not someone I'd care to ever know. If it weren't for my Aunts and Uncle I'd probably never see her. Shes a strange person who just can't see the world like it is. Shes in some fantasy reality where no one else lives. She just thinks we do.

I really have no idea how I've gotten to where I am today. I guess living on my own since I was 13 and totally ignoring the teachings of the weirdos who bred and created me was a good thing. They are prime examples of why some people should not be allowed to breed. Anyone can make a baby. Few can care for it properly.

My mother is also a prime example of how you can get stuck with some relation that you would never, ever want to know otherwise. Just because you are related doesn't obligate you to hang with someone. Not if they suck.

I'm glad Nicci has seen first hand what I warned her about when it comes to my family. I didn't have to try to convince her. She has been convinced by the mothers stupidity all on her own.

There is some kind of small comfort in feeling like I am a bastard child. It's liberating somehow. Wish I had thought about it like this earlier in life.

Of course, sometimes I could be referred to as a bastard, but at times like that there is a different meaning to the word. :)