Having My Period Again

There are those who fear life. The ones who act like everything is OK and go through the motions, living just like they are expected to live. They seem well adjusted and everything they are supposed to be. They do the right things, live the right way, exist without making waves. They are afraid of living I think. Those types seem pretty false to me.

There are the adventurers who dare life to take them on. They do crazy things to tempt fate. They love life too much. I think they know what it would mean to lose it and they get a thrill out of maybe losing it. They are addicted to the gamble.

Then there are the types who fight with life. That's me. I fight with it every day. I fight with living "properly". I fight with stereotyping. I wrestle with the 'expected norms'. I fight with thinking properly. I never do. If people could hear what I am actually thinking they would be stunned and appalled. The Liberals of the world would have made a new law to try and control thinking like mine. It would scare them to death.

I can't have a minute's peace during the day. I always find myself questioning everything. Things people say and do mostly. But most of the time when someone is saying something to me immediately my mind starts working on what I hear between the lines. I rarely, if ever, believe someone at his or her word.

Mostly I question my personal direction. My thoughts are always toward something different. My feelings are always leaning toward running away and starting over. Doesn't matter that I am better off than I have ever been. Somehow it's just not enough. I don't mean that it's not good enough. It's just not enough. It's just not a good fit. It feels wrong. Always. That's me and that's the fight I have daily.

The people who seem to be content are strange to me. I just don't get how they can be happy and content. Living the settled boring lifestyles that they do. Some would say to me that it's not boring to them. So I say they are boring to me. I hear that they are living proper. I say proper is relative. Proper for them isn't proper for me. Some tell me I would be lonely if I gave in to my desires but I say I've never been lonely. Being alone and being lonely are totally different things. Being with someone should be a desire, not an obligation. Living my way should be OK if I decided I want to. Who has the right to judge me? No one does. I don't judge others. I have opinions and observations but I would never condemn anyone for their choices. I may disagree but I would never judge or begrudge anyone his or her right to choose.

I have a friend who is in a bad marriage. She has a guy who drinks a lot. Spends all their money. Goes out without the family. Actually plans things so he doesn't have to be with the family. He ignores her needs and now it seems he has a girlfriend. His thing is that she's "just a friend". Ok, text messaging your new friend 120 times a week seems like more than 'just friends'. But they have a kid together. She won't do anything to hurt the kid. The kid is still into believing that Daddy is the coolest. So she has decided to stick it out until the kid is older, possibly out of high school. She also likes to say that he's really not a bad guy. No matter what, she's stuck. Being committed shouldn't be a jail sentence. But it does feel like it to my friend. To me it does too. Always.

I wonder all the time who decided the rules. Things like who decided that saying "fuck" is bad but saying "having sex" isn't so bad? But of course, saying "making love" is beautiful. Can't the same couple do all 3 at any given moment? Yep, they sure can. Along those lines, who decided that sex is only OK within a committed relationship? How come people who don't want to commit are looked down upon (still) if they like sharing partners? Especially if they desire the variety. Who decided that having a house and a family and no adventures was the right way to live? Who decided what proper is? I think whoever they are they had to be some kind of boooring! Oh yes!

I have never wanted to own a house. I always wanted the opportunity to bolt whenever I felt like it. Doesn't matter if I ever found a reason to do so. I need the option. Now I own a house. Bolting now would take a few months of pain in the ass legal stuff.

I have never wanted kids because of my strange ways. I used to say I didn't have kids because I was too irresponsible. That was true for many years. But the underlying truth to it was simply that I couldn't be free to be irresponsible if I had kids. I knew I wouldn't be. I knew I'd be committed to them always. So I avoided it.

I never wanted to be committed to anyone. I need the option of being free to be me. A steady relationship is a giant roadblock to personal growth. But here I am. I constantly wonder where I'd be had I made better choices. Who would I be right now? Would I have found someone who really does make me wish for 'the norm'? I doubt it but I made choices that eliminated that possibility. It's infuriating at times. I have no one to blame but me. Stupid ass YB.

I care very much for my current partner. She is the best. But the lifestyle isn't suited to me. I feel bad for her a lot. She deserves more. She is just fine where we are right now. I always ask her how she can be like that. She doesn't know. She says she just is.

I will probably drive myself crazy eventually. I have times where the restraints on me are overwhelming and I break a little. People who know me like to say those times are "my time of the month". I have heard that a lot. I have my periods too. Ha! I laugh but it is the truth. Now I'm wondering how long it will be before I am totally nuts? It would be weird to live to be 100 and still think like I do. Imagine a 100-year-old guy still looking for his place on this Earth. Looking for the right woman. Looking for an adventure. That may be me. Now that is something to think about, eh?