Honesty

An explanation of my ‘Poor Me Baby’ post from 2 nights ago. (The Sunshine & Roses one.)

I had a conversation that night with an old friend that brought all those thoughts and feelings to the surface. Everyone has old friends like that I think. One’s who have shared in all your triumphs and tragedies and you are still friends. Those people have certain liberties with how and what they can say to you. It’s just the way it is. They’ve earned the respect and right to be honest. You owe them their chance. I certainly do.

Anyway, the conversation turned to how I’ve changed and how I’m not attentive to those that should matter to me. Then we got into how I’m a total wimp when it comes to living the way I want to compared to how I actually do. All truths and all frustrations that I keep buried for …. whatever reasons one chooses to do such things.

Whenever I’m alone, a lot of these issues bug me, but I don’t let them run free. I do know what’s true and what’s false about me. I do a lot of introspective thinking, mostly to keep myself grounded. Trust me, I need to. Those who know me should realize that I struggle with staying grounded all the time. I’m still the same guy from a decade ago, inside. (Be afraid.) Outside, I have different responsibilities and promises to keep. I sometimes think I’m not cut out for it either. Maybe I’m not.

The bottom line is, I know my shortcomings and weaknesses. I also know my strengths. Worst of all, I really know what I’m capable of when I decide I’m going to be a selfish a-hole, so I fight to keep that guy buried. I do believe I need to alter the way I do/do not interact with those I care about. I just don’t want the conflict it brings. Not just from others but from my insides.

This is getting longer than I wanted it to be. It may only make sense to my close buds but it is something I need them to know. I haven’t forgotten anything or anyone.

So if/when the time comes that I do decide on a change, you will be the first to know. For now just grin and bear it.