Welcome To BS Friday

In order to attempt to get myself back into the blogging mode I’ve decided that today should be BS Friday. BS is fun so why shouldn’t we go for it?

The object here is to write a short (or long if you choose) story that may or may not be total BS. Then see if anyone else can figure out if it is total BS or just an extraordinary moment in an otherwise dull existence. Here’s my first attempt:

One night I was on my way home from seeing some friends play a gig in a fairly distant city. The drive home was a little over an hour away. I was the designated driver that night, but being true to form for our group, the DD tag ended up meaning ‘Designated Drinker’.

Well, naturally I’m driving home buzzed with a carload when I see ahead an intersection with flashing red lights. It was early morning and the lights were just flashing red instead of the whole red, yellow & green thing happening. For some reason, it didn’t register to me that red, although flashing, still meant stop. So right through the intersection I went without stopping. Great timing too because on the other side of the road waiting to turn left was a Cop. Nice. He immediately turned his lights on an u-turned in behind us.

Well no one in the car panicked. Mostly because they were all even more buzzed than I was. When the cop came up and started talking to me, he mentioned the ‘heavy smell of alcohol coming from the car’. No surprise. It didn’t help matters that when he mentioned that everyone else started telling him how he should be smelling it since they were all drunk. Nice. He then looked at me and asked if I was drunk too. Naturally I told him of my exalted Designated Driver status. Guess what? He didn’t buy it. ???

He starts telling me about his concerns and how he’s going to give me these sobriety tests. The first one was simple; starting with your pinky, touch it with your thumb, count 1 then move to the next finger, count 2, the next finger, count 3 and the next count 4. Then reverse, using the original numbers a la 1,2,3,4,3,2,1,2,3,4,3,2,1 and stop when he says stop. Piece of cake. What he didn’t know was that was exactly how I taught myself to finger pick my guitar so his evil plan didn’t succeed. I passed that one easily.

Next he said he wanted me to recite the alphabet starting with the letter E and stopping at P and I was to start NOW! No time to think about it. The thing was when he mentioned ‘reciting the alphabet’ and then said ‘E’ I had already started in my mind, so I easily passed that test too. Round 2 to the drunk!

Now he seemed irritable, so he made me get out of the car. He had me stand on one foot, hands straight down at my sides, the other foot sticking straight out raised about 1 foot and made me count to 30 using the old 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi etc… Well, I have no explanation for how or why, but I easily did that test too. I made it to 30 and could have gone longer. I didn’t stumble or miss a number once. I started to think I was a superhero or something.

Now he was definitely annoyed at me. He waited in silence for some time and finally said “I guess anyone who can do all that is OK to drive.” He told me he was sure I was drunk driving and that he was going to follow me all the way home and that I had better not screw up once. I got back in the car, started driving away and saw that he must have gotten another call because we didn’t get one block before his lights were on and he was headed the other way.

I hope he had better luck with the next guy. I did pity whoever he stopped next. I think they were doomed to fail no matter what after I frustrated the guy so badly.