Weird Night

This is definitely a weird night. Not that it's bad or anything. Just weird.

I've been looking through my 'choice cheese' file for something appropriate to post tomorrow. I was thinking, "A Schmoopy Post shouldn't be too hard to come up with." It wasn't. For many years I wrote everything I saw and felt into journals, notebooks, on envelopes and napkins. I just recorded everything. Poems. feelings, reactions, song lyrics, everything I felt and saw most of the time was written down. It's all that stuff I came across that put me into this weird place.

If you've ever kept a journal and gone back to read what was in it, you know where my head is right now. I have writing materials from as far back as 25 years. It's funny to read them. I remember the people and the moments and they bring back all the feelings too. Probably not as vivid as the original time, I'm sure, but they are still there.

I'm having a kick-ass time reading this stuff. Memories that are good, bad, awesome, horrible, whatever. It's all good. Good because I can remember them all still. I also remember those times when I was a true blue emotional, no holds barred caring person. I wish I could say I was still that guy. I'm not.

I remember being younger and swearing that this world would not get to me. I despised those 'jaded jerks' I saw walking around lost in their own stuff. Oblivious to anyone else's stuff. Now when I read these recorded moments in time I realize I am one of those jaded ones. Lost in my own stuff. Just what I didn't want to be. Pretty much what most young, emotional, caring people swear they won't allow themselves to be.

Weird thoughts for a Tuesday evening, eh? Ah well, I sure am glad I kept all those moments. Sometimes we really need to see who we were and where we were to realize what we are now. Sometimes the revelations aren't so good. Sometimes they just are what they are.

I miss that guy. I think a lot of him is still in here somewhere. I wonder at how I allowed him to get so buried in all the "I-me-my" crap. I think that's what they call growing up. It's also why I despise having to face growing up. I do have a tendency to fight it. Pretty hard sometimes. From the looks of my recorded past, I am losing.

I think it's good to recognize the truth sometimes. I sure am glad I kept that stuff.