Disaster Of The Morning

I had a major disaster this morning in my kitchen! It was horrible! It happened when I was making the morning coffee. (Starbuck’s House Blend) As I was attempting to put the coffee back into the fridge, the thing became unstable in my hand, wobbled around a bit, and fell to the floor. Well, not directly to the floor. My foot was in the way so it bounced off the top of my foot onto the floor. Of course, that made it even worse because that extra bounce allowed the lid to come all the way off and the coffee to spill everywhere. (I know Meritt! Deep breaths…breathe….)

I was stunned as I just stood and looked at all that beautiful Starbuck’s coffee wasted on the kitchen floor. Tears started to well up in my eyes while the swelling welled up on the top of my foot. I wanted to scream out loud “Why, why??!!!”

Once under control again, I started the sad process of cleaning up the mess. As the once luscious Starbuck’s was slowly being sucked up into my shop vac, I felt a burning sensation building deep inside me. I felt a huge anger building. A rage against all things unholy, like the wasting of purely innocent coffee. Coffee that was put here for one purpose; our pleasure. It never had a chance, poor Starbuck’s House Blend.

Well, being the good American I am, I did 2 things. First, I decided that this tragedy had to be the President’s fault. Somehow, someway, it just had to be. Since he is responsible for every minute detail of life in this country, whether he is around or not, I became sure that it had something to do with his negligence. That’s when I realized that our President should have seen that this disastrous spill could have been prevented if every American had been warned that carrying more than one thing to the fridge could result in a spill. That’s the ticket. I also noticed that he sent no aid whatsoever for the cleanup. None!

So now I am writing directly to the President to force him to pass a law that prohibits someone from handling too many things in their kitchen at once. It is the government’s responsibility to regulate everything, isn’t it? I just can’t wait for his next vacation. I always wanted to go to Texas. I think the vigil outside his ranch will be quite lovely.

The second thing I did, as a true American was to look up the manufacturer of the coffee storage canister and then called my lawyer. (His name is Jackie Chiles, btw.) You see they owe me big time for my pain (literal) and suffering. There is no warning label on the canister anywhere that states that it will hurt your foot if you drop it on yourself. Nowhere at all. Can you believe that? They are gonna pay! We all know that everything we use has to have some kind of written warning and/or instructions along with it or we shouldn’t be allowed to touch it.

Come to think of it, how come the President hasn’t taken care of that issue too? Oh boy, will he be in trouble now!

So, with every disaster there is a profit. My foot still hurts and I will never get over the loss of all that delicious Starbuck’s wasted, well before it’s time. But if there weren’t negligent people in the world to blame, this would have been a much bigger tragedy.

Once I get my settlement, I’ll spring for a cup for everyone. (There will be a legal disclaimer to sign first, of course.)