A Night Of 'Foot In Mouth Disease'

It’s been an interesting evening. Earlier I was taking out the garbage like a good little man of the house and I had stacked 2 bags near the front steps. As I was walking past the 2 stacked bags, one rolled off and stopped against this little brick fence thing our neighbors have piled around their front garden. I say piled because that’s all they did, pile/stack the bricks around the garden. If you accidentally hit your foot against it, the bricks move. Plus they are just these ugly cinder block colored bricks. They look terrible, like the beginning of a construction site or something.

Anyway, as I was returning for the runaway garbage, I see the neighbor leaning way over the railing looking down at the beautiful brick masterpiece with the bag against it. I guess she thought I had moved something out of place. As I got near and went to get the bag, she said, “I was just checking to see if any bricks had moved.” As I looked up, I heard this voice coming from somewhere. It sounded just like me, but I knew it couldn’t be me. It was saying, “Aww, quit your crying. It didn’t hurt your ugly brick wall.”

I just stood there after the words had faded away, knowing it wasn’t me that just said that. I know because I didn’t have any thoughts in my brain when those sounds came out. None. My mind was blank. But when I looked around, I didn’t see anyone else. Oh boy.

We just stood there for a while, saying nothing, looking right at each other. Funny how just a few seconds of dead silence can seem like hours when all you want to do is be anywhere but where you are at that moment. It was excruciating. She didn’t say a word and turned and went inside. I just stood there for a few more seconds, still hoping someone would show up with a voice like mine and tell me they had said that.

A little later I’m inside, unwinding with a grilled cheese and some tomato soup when Nicci shows me the cover of this magazine. It was a swimsuit magazine and on the cover was a very good looking woman in a nice suit, all lotioned up sitting and glistening in the sun. Nicci says, “That’s me this summer. Do you think I’ll look that good in that suit?”

Now this is one of those questions that guys are supposed to be ready for. We should already have our answer ready, no hesitation, no matter what we think the answer should be. We should always have several ready-made responses rehearsed so we don’t screw up by either saying the wrong thing or not reacting the right way. We, as professionals, owe this to our women. But I just had the aforementioned incident with ‘foot in mouth disease’, so I hesitated. Then I looked closer at the picture. Strike 2. Then the voice came again, from somewhere, and it sounded just like me. It didn't answer her question. It didn't have anything complementary or supportive to say. All it said was “Will you be that shiny too?”

Here I was again, the seconds ticking away, seeming like hours, and the blank stare from yet another woman. I had a looong few seconds to realize that my brain and my mouth were not working as a team tonight. I slowly extricated myself from the latest predicament and have been hiding in my basement Fortress of Solitude since. Me and my Seinfeld DVDs, a cold Cherry Pepsi and a cat that doesn’t care what I say. I’m staying here until everyone in the world is in bed and I can safely crash, without any further interaction.

Some nights it just doesn’t pay to open your mouth.