Sometimes It's Hard To Grow Up

When I was a kid, I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. Other kids wanted to be Cops, Firemen, Doctors, Movie Stars & Rock Singers. I wanted to be a Private Eye.

I always thought that looked like the coolest job. I was hooked on the old movies with Sam Spade, and Phillip Marlow, The Singing Detective. Charlie Chan, Mike Hammer, Lew Archer & Easy Rawlins. Dashiell Hammett's books kept me fascinated for hours. This was what I thought would be so cool to do.

These guys, especially Sam & Phillip, had it all. They had adventure, they got to duke it out with people and win. They got to do shots of liquor during work hours and they always got the girl. The babes always wanted them. With the exception of Sherlock Holmes, who never got a girl, but was the best thinker of them all. I planned to incorporate all these skills into just one person, me.

How cool were these guys? They weren't the law. They weren't the bad guys. They were somewhere in between. They were smarter than the law. They were tougher than the bad guys and they were sexier than everybody else. What's not to like? I'd imagine that I would end up like Steve Martin's Rigby Reardon in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid. I'd probably bumble around a lot, but get the job done.

Then I discovered the 'Super Spies'. They were a step above the Gumshoes. I liked this idea even better. Guys like James Bond, agent 007. Our Man (Derek) Flint and Matt Helm. (Austin Powers is my current hero.) These guys really had it all. In addition to the advantages of the Private Eyes, they had unlimited access to the greatest gadgets and weapons in the world. They got 5-6 babes during every caper compared to waiting until the end to get one babe. The best part? The license to kill.

How does one apply for this license? These guys would get into a scrap and just blast the bad guys. Or smash them or drown them or kill them with hot wax. Whatever was available, they were allowed to use it. Matt Helm even had a gun that fired backwards. He let the bad guys try to use it on him and they would shoot themselves. Too cool!

I can see it now. The Cops show up at the crime scene and say "OK pal, you're under arrest!" Then I could whip out my LTK and they would read it and have to let me go. "Yeah Charlie, it's one of those licenses again. I guess that 88 year old lady in the wheelchair got what was coming to her."

I can see me ending up like Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 of Control. Totally screwing things up, but always winning in the end. Plus, who wouldn't want to hang out with Agent 99? Rowr!

Yeah, I had it all figured out. This was what I wanted. Now, here I sit, behind a desk planning what electronic gadget I'll be working on today that will keep this place going. Nothing to do with saving the world from genius masterminds or evil villains. Just the every day stuff that reminds me of the dreams of the young. Oh well.

Sometimes when things are slow I'll get into a Walter Mitty frame of mind and remember that I can turn these boring, everyday routines into something much more interesting. Today might well be one of those days. Today, I'll become mild mannered Yankeebob working for the forces of truth, justice and the pursuit of all that is female, ready at a moments notice to jump to the aid of anyone anywhere oppressed by tyranny and evilness. Ready for my alter ego, Yankeebond to emerge and save the day!

Yeah right. Time to get to work.