I'm A Weird Friend

All the introspective stories over at The Spin Cycle have gotten me thinking about myself again. One of the first thoughts I've had is I think I would be a weird friend to have. I can be very moody, very temperamental and very egocentric. I tend to take things to heart. Sometimes I don't take time to find out the way things were actually meant until a bit of a mess has occurred. I drive me crazy at times.

The reverse is that I can be very sensitive to others, very caring, a good listener and can be capable of total support in tough times. I am fiercely loyal to those I have decided are friends. My friends are family and I'll never let them down. Not intentionally.

For instance, I have a friend who is separated and working on a divorce. I've spoken to him about it and most times I've expressed how good life will be, all the new opportunities on the way, yada, yada... But when someone other than him speaks to me about his situation, I repeat his concerns and disappointments almost verbatim. I usually won't force my ideas out, I guess for fear that someone might mistake them for his views.

Also, when a subject or issue comes up, I have this strange habit of 'feeling' the other side of almost every story and taking the other side. It's just reactionary and I don't even realize it happens at the time. Almost without fail, when someone starts talking about something I'll start thinking about the opposite side and begin to express my thoughts, usually in contrast to their view. The ideas I express may not even be my final opinion after all is said and done, but I will 'think out loud' a lot. I do not know how I've developed this, but it happens a lot. I don't do it to be contentious, but it sometimes ends up that way.

It's a strange dichotomy I've struggled with always.

Most of my friends are quite predictable. (I do not mean this in a bad sense.) But I've been told many times that I'm not. From one event to the next, I've been told many times that it's nearly impossible to decide how I'll feel about something. Not often can it be pre-determined if I'll go along with a plan for the night, or even if I'll be receptive to phone calls. My moods are unpredictable and I can be very standoffish (is that a word?) or I can be very receptive. That would drive me crazy (if it were someone I was dealing with), but it is how I am.

I've also been described as "Opinionated to the point of being obnoxious." A few years ago, this was absolutely true. I think back to some conversations and reactions I've had in the past and I wonder how any of my friends ever put up with me. I've learned to hold back (a lot) now adays, but it's taken a while. I *usually* won't force in my opinion without it being asked for anymore, but a few years ago, I believe I needed my ass kicked more than twice.

Sometimes I think about how I've put people close to me through the ringer and they still call me friend. The mood swings, the obnoxious and belligerent attitudes, the idea that I have to be different from everyone I've ever met, the stupid life decisions I've made, sheesh! this list could go on. There are some good people in my life who I can absolutely say I love dearly. I can also say I don't know for sure why they've put up with the weird side of me for so long. My point here is I'm sure glad they have. I'm a lot different now than a few years ago. I like to think that I've managed to incorporate the best stuff from those who are my friends and whom I call friends to get me to the person I am right now.

Still, I think it's probably been a hard time for them. I think I would be a weird friend.