The Loneliest Girl I Ever Knew

For some reason this morning I found myself thinking about a girl I knew over a decade ago. She wasn't a girlfriend per se, but we did share some personal moments.

She lived next to me and we were introduced by a mutual friend, who was an on again - off again girlfriend. My first impression of her was very favorable. She was pretty, in an 'all American girl' sense. She was very outgoing and friendly with a great sense of humor. I immediately liked her.

After the introduction, I would stop and speak to her when I'd see her out. Sometimes she would stop by just to say hello. Minimal stuff. She'd come over when our mutual friend would be visiting.

One night, very late, I was watching 'Creature Feature' (an old scary movie program) when there was suddenly this frantic pounding on my back door. I hurried back to see what was going on and there she was, almost hysterical, crying and asking to come in. I left her in and we sat on the couch for quite a while with me just holding her and letting her calm down. I waited for an explanation, but none came. I took her upstairs and put her in my bed, then went to the spare room. At some point in the night, she came into the spare room and snuggled up with me. In the morning I pressed her for what was wrong. She explained that she was lonely and got herself into a crazy state of mind just sitting alone in her place. I guess that should have been a warning to me. But, being the softhearted fool that I can be (notice I didn't say I'm always that way) and soft headed fool that I am, I didn't think twice about it.

Over the course of the next month or so, we started doing things together and hanging out a lot. She had quite an active dating life, but regularly she would come over after she was out and tell me all about what she had done that evening. She was pretty popular, it seemed. Then came the times where she just 'didn't want to leave and be alone'. She started spending nights at my place. We ended up sleeping together a lot.

It took me a while to see that I had become some kind of crutch for her. She always had a boyfriend or boyfriends. Always had someone to go out with. But she ended up at my place almost every night, when I didn't have someone there with me. Finally, I started to wonder. I liked her company. I liked the idea of nothing being expected between us. But I was getting uneasy about the neediness she had for not being alone.

Then one night her boyfriend (the latest to have that name attributed to him) was at her place and she decided she would come over to my place. She just left him there asleep and came over and crawled into bed with me. I asked her where her guy was and when she told me, I really got worried. She said she felt much more safe with me. Safe? I wasn't too sure about that one, but I could see this was going in a strange direction.

We ended up talking for hours about this 'Safe' thing. She admitted she always felt alone. Always felt like she had to have someone. And that she felt like I would be the person who would always welcome her in. She had no intentions of quitting her hectic social dating. She needed that many people to feel comfortable. She also hoped one day to find a guy just like me to (maybe) be able to settle down with.

"A guy just like me." Not me, just like me. Funny how many women have told me that in my lifetime. Weird.

Now things changed. I kept seeing her for a while, but I noticed that I thought of her as this vulnerable little girl that needed protecting. Not the sexy, modern woman that I thought she was. And she was a needy person. Becoming more and more demanding of my time and 'protection.' I started resisting time spent with her. Sometimes she would start crying and I'd have to break down and change my plans, but those times became less often. Then I got an opportunity and ended up moving away. She was not happy that I decided to do that. At one point she started crying like a baby and called me selfish. But I moved away.

I heard that shortly after I moved, she had an affair with her best friends brother, broke up his marriage and married the guy. All in very short order. Our mutual friend told me that she never really stopped her 'socializing' and that the new husband didn't last long. She wasn't very discreet anymore.

This was a strange episode in my life. Here is a beautiful girl with a lot going for her. But the picture is far different than the reality. I believe she will always be looking for something that, even when she finds it, she won't be able to see it. Is terminally lonely a reality? In my personal experience, I believe so.

I guess the Christmas season makes you think about people you’ve known. People you love and even people who, after many years have passed, you find yourself worrying about still. I hope she’s managed to find whatever will satisfy her loneliness.